Friends... How many of us have them?

What characteristics does someone have to have to call you a friend?

Some may answer, they need to call me once a day. They need to have the same interests as me. They need my help. I need their help. Someone who likes the same movies as me. Someone who can finish my sentence (meaning the people that say "gosh" to my "oh my". That doesn't count, everyone knew what the next word was going to be). Some people just want friends no matter how great of a friend they are just so they can feel loved and accepted. I am more of the, I will talk with friends, hang out with friends, but only my best friends learn about all my skeletons.

Have you ever gone shopping for a friend? I have. Though there were many times I hated my move to Missouri, it was the best thing that could've happened to me. One of the greatest things I came back to Vegas with, was a friendship that would last forever.

While being in Missouri, I also came to realize what a friend is. My third grade teacher taught me many great life lessons. The one that has helped me become who I am is the great saying "Treat others as you wish to be treated." I realized this meant in EVERY aspect. It didn't apply just to, if I don't hit them, they won't hit me. It applied to, I'm going to give you the best kind of friendship I know how to give, because that's the kind of friendship I want in return.

Though I know many people, and at one point or another hung out with everyone, I consider a "best" friend someone who will be as honest with me as I am with them, even if it may hurt your feelings. Best friends will let you know that they saw your boyfriend kissing some other girl on the bus. Best friends tell you, "Jess, I know you better than you know yourself and if you kiss that boy, it's not going to end well" (and when you do end up kissing that boy, and it fails miserably, they are there to help you gather up what's left of your broken heart and piece it back together. Best friends give you something to look up to, that makes you want to be a better person (I'm not talking about jealousy, that's completely different). Best friends help you sing the song in your heart when you have forgotten the words.

This may all sound so cheesy to you, but I do have a point. This afternoon I went with a friend to go get some G's (religious clothing). She is going through the temple for the first time and I am so excited for her. She and I have found each other in fun times in our lives. While shopping she was trying to take in everything and I was trying to give some input (wanted or not) and also trying to keep her girls from hitting everything with their umbrellas. Her family is far away and I love being a fill in sister. She is someone I see everyday and never get sick of cause later today we went on a movie date.
Before heading to the movies, I logged on facebook and saw that another dear friend has a mother being admitted to a hospice. This girl and I butted heads in the beginning of our friendship, but I care for her just like a sister. I've been talking with her here and there about her mom and life yet, something told me to have Jason call her. They were friends in high school and after, and though I'm sure she would've loved a phone call from me, I knew she needed Jason. I'm not sure what all was said. I do know that I have a peace in my heart for her. Jason said that they had a good chat, and good food, but overall, he thinks she's a little calmer.

Christmas was weird for me this year. I didn't have the spirit I generally do which is overwhelming to most people. This was the first year I didn't get to celebrate with my sister. My real sister, Jenny. Not to freak out, she's ok. She just went to Mexico with my brother and his wife to celebrate the holiday. I didn't think it would bother me as much as it did, but I know that her absence was a lot of my "whatever" attitude. I think the reason we were sisters is cause in life, we probably wouldn't have been friends. She and I were very opposite growing up, and as a little sister, there was a lot that I took and was afraid to dish out. However, there could not have been a more perfect sister given to me. She and I talk about everything! It's only taken us 30 years to get where we are, but I wouldn't change it. A lot of people take her the wrong way. They think she's mean and bratty. When it comes down to it though, wouldn't you rather have someone say, "Don't wear that, that color is terrible on you!" on your preparation for a date with a guy than someone who doesn't say anything and let's you walk out of the house looking like a fool? And, as for bratty, she knows what she wants. If she's going to be so picky about certain things she buys, you know that whatever gift she's getting for you is going to be the one that she would get for herself.

When shopping for a best friend, make sure you get a true genuine friend. These are people that care just as much for your happiness as you do theirs. This means, if I love playing board games but you would rather go watch a movie in the theaters, instead of making me watch a movie with you every time we're together, let me have a board game night. It means posting a not so flattering pic of you on the web, because it's an adorable pic of them.

In college I seemed to date all premissionaries. It's just what I did so I could finish college and not get tied down and having to drop out cause wifing and mommying were too much. One guy in particular was a really great friend of mine. I told him I wasn't going to wait for him, but I secretly wanted to. However, life happened and 6 months before he came home, I was living with my high school crush. A friend of mine dragged me to a singles dance and here came my return missionary and I broke down in his arms. For a year and a half I went through hell with my boyfriend cause he could not compare to this return missionary in any way. It had finally ended between us and the day I called the return missionary hoping to start up our old flame, he told me he was engaged. I admit, I was crushed for about 1 millionth of a second, and then I was overjoyed! How great is it that someone I care about so deeply found someone that makes him completely happy. I didn't think there was anyone that compared to that Return Missionary, but sorry Todd, Jason outdid your kissing and singing. lol (Call when you guys get back from Sacramento so we can hang out.)

Being a good friend doesn't mean that you always get things your way. It means you should hurt when your friend hurts. It's crying with them when they are overflowing with happiness. It's kidnapping them for a night cause their kids are driving them crazy. It's letting them pack your stuff, move it out and into their house cause you couldn't do it yourself. It's.... being the kind of friend you want them to be to you.

I am so thankful for the friends I have. The family that are my friends and the friends that are practically family.

No longer a poster child

A year ago today I was the poster child for stress case.
-I hated my job and was trying to transfer to a different position but no go.
-trying to find the source of my unfertileness, no go.
-learning to live with mom again, somewhat go.

My regular girl doc repeatedly had no appt's for me, so I was forced to see his R.N. Generally I am ok with seeing R.N.'s cause in the past I have had some great ones. However, this one was a beast. She never listened to my concerns, treated me for things that I didn't need treated, prescribed whatever the drug rep's wanted her to and in the meantime made me into a female version of the Incredible Hulk. Every time she had to touch me I felt I offended her cause I left feeling bruised and abused.

After a month or so of her abuse, she finally referred me to an Endocrinologist to find out the source of why I am not getting pregnant. This guy ran blood tests every month for a few months and then told me to go see his OB/GYN "friend" for a second opinion. I went to his friend whose office was TERRIBLE!!! They always charged me for a specialist co-pay, treated me terribly cause I was not one of their 20 yr old knocked up Hispanic girls, and was very unsanitary. I actually got to see the Dr and though I was impressed with him and his answers. He told me he wanted to get my body pregnant ready which is what I wanted. Though I liked him and where I saw the situation going, I did not care to go there ever again cause he didn't impress me that much that I would put up with his horrible staff.

As if this crap wasn't enough, work was nearly equally as horrible. I could never do anything right. Even when I thought I did something right, I was told it wasn't good enough. To work with someone(s) who are constantly judging people on their appearances was very taxing. Kid you not, if you worked in a restaurant, would you make fun of what the health inspector was wearing to inspect your restaurant?! NO! You'd be making sure all your t's were crossed and i's dotted so when they had a question, you were ready to answer. But making fun of them was more important. And seriously, if it took you 15 minutes to find out whose job it was to fill the copier with paper, wouldn't you just fill the stupid thing and save the other 10 minutes for more important work?

Not to mention that I left my house at 730 am to get to work by 830, and then as long as traffic was ok, I would get home around 615 pm. That's right, my whole day evolved around work. There could've been a way for me to work from a branch closer to home, but I had already burnt bridges by hanging out and around the "other kids". I was refused plenty of times for a different position at one of the 3 branches closer to home and working from home as were 3 other employees. I realized that they didn't care about me at all and if I didn't care about me, then no one would.

My mom was also on month 4 of living with us. Big change from living on my own (for the most part) for the last 10 years. I use to get so angry that Jason would get home at 1 pm, and she would get to spend so much more time with Jason than me. I was still at work for 5-6 more hours!!!

January brought new resolutions. I was hoping to go back to school again. I hoped to get pregnant. I hoped to get healthier so I could get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy. I wanted to be a better wife.

By April, I quit my job and found a new one. Closer to home and a lot less stress. I went to a R.N. my friend referred me to who put me on Metformin. Jason and I also started realizing that though mom is a guest in our house, who shouldn't have to entertain her. We were able to find a balance between giving up all our Jason and Jess time to only giving up some of it.

Here we are, at the near end of 09 and I am happy to say, Life is so good. Work is stressful some days, but at the end of the day, I go home and leave the stress at work. I am working part time and it's great. I'm home to cook for Jason some days. We spend a lot more time together. The Metformin has been working great. I've lost about 30 lbs since being put on it in March. They upped my dose in July/August and I have been having almost normal cycles which means we can hopefully get pregnant in the next few months.

I know everything happens for a reason. I know that everything happens when it's supposed to. It's pretty known, or at least I hope I've made it clear enough, that when we do finally get pregnant, it will be just Jason and I in the house preparing for Baby Graf to join our humble abode. So, in the meantime, I am making the best out of work and praying that mom sells her house. I know that this time will also help me and Jason prepare ourselves in becoming healthier.

Jason met me for lunch on Monday. We went to Wendy's. I use to be able to eat a triple cheeseburger with a large fry and drink from there and still be hungry. My appetite has shrunk to where I can barely finish my single cheeseburger, small fry and drink. I usually throw out 1/2 the fries and nearly the whole drink. Jason, who always eats his double or triple cheeseburger and finishes what I don't want of mine, got a single. I asked him if he was feeling ok, and his response really touched me. He said, "I've had to convince myself that I don't always need to eat a triple cheeseburger just cause I know I can."

Today I went to a new girl doctor. I have decided to never see my previous doctor again because I hate the way I'm treated there and it's so far away. I needed someone closer to my side of town. I loved that I got a few minutes to talk to him in his office before we jumped right on the table and had an examination. He wanted to know why I was there, we talked about getting pregnant. He understood why I was hesitant to go on Clomid. I also love that his office looks like how I want my house to look, warm, cozy and inviting.

I know the next few months are going to be amazing. I know that we have been blessed immensely over the last year and this next year is going to be so much better!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Some of my favorite pic's from the photo shoot with Jenny.

New experience I never want to relive...

My last post stems from Tuesday afternoon. I wanted to blog about my situation on Tuesday at United Blood, but hadn't had the emotional strength to do so. I believe I have enough now.

I take pride in being a platinum donator at United Blood. That means in the last year I've donated at least 3 times. I never gave blood before due to a terrible fear of needles, but I figured, maybe by donating and being stabbed by a needle every few months would help me conquer my fear. Also a year ago I was having blood tests ran every other week it seemed like, so now, it's no big deal.

Jason has never gone with me, 1. he's usually working, 2. in high school I remember him saying that he tried giving blood and because he's always had high blood pressure, they said not to donate. We've been working a lot on his blood pressure and we have it under control most days. So, I convinced him to come with me to my donation appointment on Tuesday, December 8, and give if he could. He agreed (like he wouldn't?!).

I was thinking that I wouldn't be able to donate because mother nature and I had been visiting for the week prior and I figured my iron would be low. The attendant helping me told me that I couldn't; My iron was at an 11.7 and you need to be at at least 30. So, she told me to reschedule for a few weeks. Jason on the other hand, because I wasn't staying for my double like we'd hoped was going to give a full blood donation.

They had us snack in the snack area while they prepped his seat. He filled up on lots of juices and cookies. Figures. As we were over there, I asked him what blood type he had. Without hesitation he said B+. I laughed cause I thought, that's way too coincidental for my always happy positive Jason to have B+ blood type. So I told him to tell me the truth. He ran through a few other ones and I told him to stop messing around and tell me what he has. He then told me again with his "I've already told you the truth smirk", "B+". I didn't believe him and made him show me his donor card. All be dang! He is B+. (For those not getting this, I was thinking "Be Positive".)

They took him to his spot and I pulled up a chair next to him. We were all talking and joking and having a great time, well as much fun as you can have while a needle is being jammed into you/your spouse. There was about a half pint of blood in the sack when there was a clot somewhere in the tube to the sack. The attendant was trying to fix it, but every time she thought she had, it would clog again. Another gal, very beastly thing, came over and started jerking with the needle. She pushed it in, pulled it out, and repeated the action many times hoping to free whatever the clot was. In the meantime, they ask me to get Jason some juice to help him focus on something else other than this lady butchering his vein. He tells me he wants pineapple juice so I go get him some.

I come back seconds later and they're still trying to figure this out. The lady ends up trying to get him a new bag and as she goes away, Jason drifts into la la land. That's right... He passed out! He had been bracing himself from the pain and forgot to breathe.

I got so scared! I kept tapping his face trying to get him to snap out of it. Nothing. I started squishing his cheeks together (cause this annoys him). Nothing. As he's laying there, facing me, pale white, I start to really freak cause his eyes are blank yet he's looking at me. I saw some ceiling popcorn in his eye, went to get it out (yes, as he's passed out) and he didn't even flinch! HE HATES PEOPLE TOUCHING HIS FACE! So, now I'm getting real nervous. He's been out for at least a minute. He is snoring so I know he's breathing, but can't we close his eyes?!

By this time, the beastly woman is back and telling me that I need to go have a seat and let her take care of him. I wanted to punch her cause she's the one that put him in that situation!! The sweet nice attendant then starts telling me he's coming out of it. I asked how she knew and she said cause the color is coming back to him. REALLY?! His eyes rolled in the back of his head, his eye lids close and he turned hot pink. THAT'S COMING OUT OF IT?!

A few moments later he opens his eyes and they were asking him questions.
Attendant: Who are you?
Jason: Jason. Who are you?
Attendant: Where are you?
Jason: Donating blood. Where do you think we are?

Laughter emerges and the attendant looks at me to ask if he's always this funny and through a hysterical outburst, I answered, yes. I was already having an emotional day, and I had been holding it pretty good, but that pushed me over the edge.

The only people I've seen pass out/faint are those stupid girls in plays or on TV and THAT IS NOT how it is in real life. Maybe that's why I try not to watch TV anymore. Jason felt terrible for making me cry, and he wanted to get up and hug me, but then I felt terrible for making him feel terrible, which then made me cry more. lol

The poor guy, I wouldn't leave his side for the rest of the day. He kept telling me he was fine, and it was everything I could do to let him shower alone. I couldn't imagine not having Jason in my life. I try not to think about later on in life and not having him with me. I refuse to accept life without him. I pray that when we go it will be together, like in an accident (quick and painful), or like the Notebook (peaceful and ready).

Most of you have people in your life that mean everything to you. Let them know how much you care about them. Tell them when you're thinking about it. Tell them often, cause you may not get the chance again.

When you finally get a good grasp on someone...

DON'T LET THEM GO!