Crawl in a hole kind of day

That's exactly what today was. I woke up with a slight headache, but after taking my meds and drinking some water, it pretty much subsided.
I didn't have much to eat for Breakfast, so after the sacrament was passed I had about a handful of hot peanuts. I asked Jason if my breath smelled and he said it smelled "hot". lol
The ward choir sang during Ward Conference today and for the most part, it was a normal Sunday. After the choir sang our Stake President, Todd Moody, spoke. Somewhere along his talk he spoke of a 24 girl on his mission that he thought he offended. He found out that she had been excommunicated from the church and this is where is gets blurry. I went on a tangent of thoughts of when I was 24. That was 4-5 years ago. What was happening in my life then?
-breaking up with a great guy but who was terribly wrong for me
-focusing on what makes me happy
-singing in the Institute Choir
-living with my sister
-trying to make ends meet
-finding out who I am and what kind of person I want to be
-got my patriarchal blessing
-deciding on what I wanted and DID NOT want in a mate and trying to decide on if I wanted one at the time (which of course I knew I wanted to get married one day, but after the relationship I was in the process of getting out of, I just wanted to be me. Be free. But in the event that someone came along, I wanted to know right off whether or not I should waste my time or theirs, so that's when my "list" was made.)
Prior to 24, mainly 19-23, I had many many things I did that I am not very excited to brag about. Even carrying some of those things into 24 and 25. I started thinking of those things and how STUPID I was for doing them. Thinking of some of those acts got me thinking of my present situation. Without doing those stupid things, I wouldn't be who I am today and I wouldn't have the life I have today.
However, I know that I have an amazing husband, but then I started thinking, If I hadn't done some of those things, would I be blessed with a kid today? (and the tears start) I then progressed in my tangent about Why am I not getting pregnant? Why is it taking so long? What should I do to help get me pregnant? How come I'm not getting pregnant? What have I done so terribly that I am making it impossible for Jason and I to be parents? And then I started getting selfish... What if Katie, my brother' wife, gets pregnant before me? Last thing I knew she wasn't wanting to have kids anytime soon. Am I going to have to wait that long? what if we're never able to get pregnant? What if we adopt? Are our families still going to love our adopted kid as much as they would a blood kid? (large crocodile tears pooling in my eyes)
I tried not to dwell on my tangent cause I try to be strong about the whole thing and I was doing pretty well. I tried paying attention to the talk again, but I couldn't keep my brain from going 10,000 miles per second thinking other things like, Well, maybe we're going to have a Jersey Girl story and something will happen to one of us when our first kid is born and then what? (which I always tear up when I think of living without Jason). Maybe that's why I'm going back to school. Is something going to happen to Jason? I will need to support our kid and having a degree will help me find a job. I can't be a parent without Jason. How will I learn patience?
Before I knew it, the talk was over and we sang the closing hymn, and on the last line of the 3rd and last verse, the tears over ruled their limit and came crashing down my cheeks. I tried to wipe them away as the closing prayer was being said, but they wouldn't stop! Everybody was going to their classes and I didn't want to draw attention to myself so Jason and I sat there for a while. People walking by informed us of where to go for class, since it was combined classes today and a couple people checked on us, but all I could do was hide my face and let Jason tell people we're ok. Finally after about a half hour of crying in the chapel, I got enough composure to spill the beans to Jason about why I was melting down. (more tears making a river down my face)
Jason, of course, just held me and let me cry for a while. He reassured me that we will have kids one day but all I could tell him was, "I'm losing hope in that." I'll be 29 in 3 months. 29! In mormon years, I may as well be a grandma. Which don't think that didn't cross my mind. I meet up with friends for their playdates and some of them are done having kids. I have other friends who have 10, 11, 12 and 13 year olds. If I had a baby this year, their kids would be able to babysit mine! FURTHERMORE, in a few years, if I still have no kids, my friends will be grandparents while I'm still trying to have kids! I asked Jason, "Whose going to have playdates with me?!"
I tried to put my best face on and told Jason that if he can't find me at the end of class, I'd be in the Mother's Lounge. As far as I knew, not too many people use it anymore. I was planning on it being empty, but when I walked in, there was a new mother in there. She was feeding her son who will be 1 year old in a couple weeks. Had it been anybody else, I would've left and not stayed, but because it was her, and by the feeling I had, I sat in the chair next to her. (I have only met this sister a few times and there was one thing I knew we had in common... she had a hard time getting pregnant too.)
After some meditating and a quick prayer on how to approach this "sister", I finally whispered her name. She turned to me, eye brows lifted in a "what's up?" kind of way. So I asked her, "How did you get through your low days?"
She asked, "What low days? You mean the ones where you see cute babies and kids everywhere? Pregnant people everywhere? Where you sit in Relief Society and people go on about how they feel so blessed to know that they are worthy enough to be a mother which makes you feel inept? And you have no clear reason as to why you haven't gotten pregnant yet?" Shamefully I started crying again and answered, "ya." I knew that I took her back to her time when she was having problems and her sympathetic reply was, "I cried a lot and prayed a lot." So, I said, "well, at least I know I'm doing it right."
I was so thankful to have that sister with me in that room. That sister was a tremendous help to me. We talked about medications we have been on, what options there are, which doctors we've been to, other people we know that have had similar experiences and how they got through it. I think my favorite part of our talk was that she gave me her phone number and email for any questions, concerns or comments and that she also gave me the title to a book that helped her out when she was where I am.
After church, Jason and I went to 7-11 to get slurpees as promised (yes, sorry about breaking the sabbath). I got home and logged onto the LV-CC Library site and requested Taking Charge of Your Fertility. The sister told me that it helped her to get to know her body better than any other resource. She assured me it wasn't just a book to help unfertile people get fertile, but it was knowing what changes your body does and how to recognize them. The book should be coming soon as the copy I requested no one had reserved. I am feeling much better now, but what a mess I was this morning!